Gossip Girl recap: The Hurt Locket

This week’s episode – the first after a long hiatus – opened with a scene which will surely have every literary luminary rolling in his grave, as Gossip Girl quoted Dickens. But it turned out there was every reason to, as Chuck lived out his own Dickensian drama.

 So here’s where we left off. Blair was unhappy because she wasn’t ruling the world and Chuck was visited by the ghost of mother past complete with lockets taken straight out the plot of Oliver Twist.

 Dull Dan loves Vile Vanessa (why) but she doesn’t return the sentiment, and Serena and Nate were spiralling in a drawn-out ‘will they, won’t they’ storyline, complicated by her affair with his politician cus’ and some unfortunate blackmailing around what happened between Lily and daddy VdW.

 Oh, and Jenny was morphing into a dictatorial loon with a predilection for Belgian drug dealers.

 Let’s start with Jenny, who has a visitor in the form of creepy [Damian] Belgian boy. Lily giving her advice was comedy gold. “Your father and I haven’t really discussed having boys in the room,” she worries when Belgian boy shows up with expensive gift and meaningful eyes.

“Lily, if we wanted to have sex we’d just go to a hotel,” scoffs Jenny. At which point Lily doesn’t, as most responsible adults would, clutch her chest and engage in shrieky panic. Nope, just time for girl talk; such an adorable, responsible relationship.

 Not that she’s got to worry (although Jenny wishes she did) as he just wants little J to do some not-so-little drug deals. Turns out she’s an impressive little drug mule, creating a jacket with the pills sewn on. Unfortunately, Belgian boy has eyes for Serena, who it turns out is an old school friend (because, at 19, you have ‘old’ school friends)…

 …Serena is busy supposedly taking things slow with Nate, but obviously in practice doing the opposite, cue analysis of the situation by respective exes Blair and Dan (I’ve said it before, but this show is becoming stupidly incestuous) and a great line where Blair compares Serena to bulimia.

But Nate takes Dan’s advice to slow down, which demanding-little S can’t cope with and so has to turn to druggie Damian for a date to the ambassadors dinner. Obviously, Nate shows up escorted by Jenny. Cue lots of sulking then kiss and make up, with the preposterous drug deal going swimmingly.

 Meanwhile, over with the adults Blair was sulking over some elitist society she’s not part of (yawn) and getting her literary references muddled by dressing up as a trashy version of Anna Karenina.

 Chuck is trying to find the woman behind the locket. In true Dickensian style, he consults a white haired old sage about it, and by a process of sleuthery discovers what we’d already assumed, that “the whore is my mother.”

Blair, ever the supportive girlfriend, doesn’t believe him – but then she does and confronts they mystery brunette. Odds are next week Chuck will find out chapter two of that particular story.

 Back in Brooklyn, Dan is moping and Rufus is avoiding Lily and keeping company (!) with the prowling divorcee we met last year. Lily says she only kissed her ex, but it sounds like there’s more to it than that.

 Good resumption of the season overall, but one complaint. Blair is no Miss Haversham, so give her her own juicy storyline.

 And for your amusement…


Reasons why I want to punch Serena.

  1. She ‘gave up’ politics. Sure, if sleeping with a congressman in any way resembled a political career.
  2. School ‘wasn’t a very good time’ for her looks-wise. Pass the sick bag, compliment-fisher.
  3. She wears Jenny’s ugly drug jacket – no questions asked.

 Reasons why Chuck Bass is back and better than ever

  1. Said sneeringly of his father “one of his concubines had his name tattooed on her ass”. With a straight face. Thank you, ye GG deities.
  2. He’s not above using sympathy over his deceased father to get what he wants from the locket-maker.
  3. He told Blair “some things are more important than your social climbing agenda,” – ooh, low blow, Bass.



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