Gossip Girl recap: the Unblairable lightness of being

With just a few episodes to go before the third series of Gossip Girl comes to an end, Josh Schwartz is sparing no emotions. This week Chuck and Blair came to a permanent (for now) end, while cracks began to show in Nate and Serena’s relationship. And of course, everyone’s favourite Polish maid got hitched.

 Yes, for the first time ever on a show centred around us versus them, the focus of the episode was ‘them’ as Dorota and Vanya got married. Rather less romantically, it was a rush job because Dorota’s family were coming from ‘the old country’ to the new world – and she hadn’t exactly told them she was preggers out of wedlock.

 Luckily, Chuck, desperate to prove to Blair that he wasn’t really a maniac who let his girlfriend prostitute herself out to his uncle, in order to save a hotel, stepped forwards and agreed to fund a wedding. Tomorrow.

 Which, basically, was an excuse for the Gossip Girl writers to throw in every politically incorrect, culturally offensive gag about Russians and Poles they could come up with. I’m no expert on Eastern European tradition, but I’m fairly sure a balloon game is not an ancient cultural practice there.  

 I’ve heard not many Americans own passports. Clearly the Gossip Girl staff don’t and have never been to Europe.

Cultural stereotyping? On Gossip Girl? Never.

 That said, it was actually a rather sweet wedding day, with Dorota all prettied up in wavy hair and a disingenuous white dress. Cyrus was positively kvelling at the happy couple, acting more as proud dad than capitalist employer. Absurdly, he wanted to give the newlyweds their own apartment, in Queens (generosity doesn’t stretch into Manhattan proper) which Eleanor Waldorf was not impressed with.

 “I was going to buy her a Vera Wang cake knife,” scoffs Eleanor, because “she’s just a maid, for goodness sake.” Quite. One should never blur the line between upstairs and downstairs.

 But then, as Blair has a meltdown of epic proportions, Eleanor sees just how positive a force Dorota is in her daughter’s life – and hands over the keys.

 Blair is upset because she’s finally cracked, admitting she and Chuck aren’t happy. Chuck takes all of three seconds to move on to a new conquest, while Blair – in the most improbable twist of the most improbable show on our screens ever – dances with Dan. Dan. She hates Dan. Hates him. HATES HIM.

 I’m really hoping the writers aren’t working towards a Blair-Dan relationship, because a) NO and b) my tired brain can’t take the messes up romantic tetrahedrons this show loves.

Trouble in paradise for Dumb and Dumber (Photo: Christopher Peterson)

 Elsewhere, trouble in paradise as dumb and dumber get caught in a web of deceit – a new development for a couple whom, as Chuck astutely observes, until now faced only the problem of “how shiny your hair is”.

 Serena is having secret liaisons with her ex Carter Baison – the show’s resident ‘we need a bad boy, stat’ character. Obviously, she’s hunting down daddy not actually cheating (yet) but with the stirring hands of Little J, Nate thinks she is.

 “Serena’s my sister and Nate’s my friend” insists Little J (methinks the crazy doth protest too much) to Eric, when he smells trouble.

 A fair point, except Serena’s also your brothers ex girlfriend, you are desperate to add benefits to your friendship with Nate, which may well be possible because his girlfriend is back with the ex who also dated her best friend, who also dated Nate…

 Ah, the tortured incestuous relationships of the Upper East Side.

 Later, Serena tells Jenny to pass on a message to Nate that she loves him. Yes, because you WOULD want the shameless hussy going after your man to play emotional courier. Smart move, blondie.

 But, oblivious to the demise of her romance, Serena hops on a plane to Palm Beach, where daddy has been spotted. But, shock horror, guess who opens the door (bearing in mind prior scenes of Rufus trying to track down his AWOL wife). No prizes, it’s Lily.

 Saving the best till last, this was a second week of Eric-heavy plot. Apartment boy and him have been texting, but as yet he’s got no confirmation of if he’s gay or not. Showing up at the wedding (sure, he’d OBVIOUSLY be invited) avec girlfriend is a clear indication, except it’s not, because he turns out to play for both teams.

 Recipe for disaster, but I’m glad Eric has a new love interest. His puppy dog eyes make you desperate for his happiness.

 Good episode – tragically I hear rumour there is a break next week, but I’m sure we will be back soon to hear all about Dorvanya’s honeymoon from hell, where they get stuck in Club Med because of the volcanic ash obliterating Europe.

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