Gossip Girl recap: Ex-Husbands and Wives

The third person in the Chuck-Blair relationship (Photo: Jennifer Lipman)

 

How fitting on a day when two diametrically opposed political groupings put aside their differences, that we should see evidence of a coalition on Gossip Girl too. 

 It was a case of all hands on deck as this better-dressed version of the Scooby gang rushed to see off Dr rather Evil himself – William VdW. Last week, Rufus had been exiled back to Brooklyn while Lily and Willy got reacquainted. 

 Serena is rather upset, having been told by an obviously reliable (bunny boiler neighbour Holland) source that Rufus cheated on Lily. Touchingly, Blair offers up Dorota’s Polish mob connections to finish him off. 

 You almost think she’ll take her up on it, so passionate is her spurned stepdaughter routine. It’s all a little rich, love. Just a few episodes ago you were shacking up with a married man. 

Didn’t seem too concerned about betrayed wives then, did you. 

 Back home, Lily and William reminisce. “You’ve done such an amazing job bringing them up” he spouts. Surely, at this point, Lily’s ‘I’m a terrible mother’ radar should kick in and she would realise the guy is not for real. 

 The plot thickens when Holland herself tells Lily of her indiscretions with Rufus. Naturally, Lily doesn’t give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps because she herself knows very well how likely infidelity is – after all, she and Rufus were pretty damn close during her marriage to Bart. 

 But luckily, delinquent daughter Jenny the drug dealer realises something is up. Those pills weren’t magical cancer curing beans. No. They were evil fake medication; the only question was, who was behind it? 

 Jenny, who has perhaps the loosest conception of what being grounded actually entails, enlists Chuck to help. 

It’s worth mentioning at this point that her hair extensions have developed to the point they now officially resemble a cross between a yeti and a porn star. 

 Chuck uses the pharmaceutical drama to ruin Blair’s date. Although he is totally right that in such a case of sophisticated destruction, she’s the girl for the job. “Do you do this a lot?” asks her bemused date. Oh, how little he knows Blair. 

 When she hears another Upper East Sider has shtupped – “my stepfather is Jewish” – Rufus, Blair realises that the whole Holland situation is a bit fishy and gets to work. Along the way they recruit renegade plotters Nate and Chuck. 

 Obviously, William was behind the fake-medicine and skanky neighbour. And so because on Gossip Girl a scheme isn’t a scheme when it’s not in black tie, they head to a society ball for some good old fashioned public humiliation. 

 Game, set and match – William is out. 

 By episode end Lily and Rufus have made up – “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you I was just overwhelmed” she explains, as if that makes up for her nearly leaving on a jet plane with her ex-husband without so much as a ‘ta ta’ – and William absconds from the police with the help of his criminally minded daughter. I guess he really is her father. 

 For Blair and Chuck, it was yet again made clear that things weren’t really over. Oh sure, she had a date (“my first ever” she angsts, which is presumably why she later goes out with attractive-bit-part-boy in the biggest crinoline known to Manhattan). But Chuck ‘Affair to Remembers’ her, with a promise he will be on the Empire State Building until 7.01 the next day. 

 We’ll have to see how that pans out, but any money it involves some kind of desperate, torturous dash while throbbing, tragic music plays in the background. 

 Surprise twist of the night; Dan runs away (who knows where) with Serena. Now, I really hope the writers aren’t setting that romance up again. Remember, their parents are still married. It is just not socially acceptable in progressive society for them to be shtupping. 

 Rather less bound by such concerns are Jenny and Nate, who, because Jenny has suddenly got over her material girl phase and decided there’s no place like Brooklyn, are brought back together. 

Which, all things considered, means Gossip Girl is gearing up for one hell of a season finale next week.

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