Gossip Girl recap: A Touch of Eva

Another night, another contrived party to attend. This time it’s a charity gala, as this week’s Gossip Girl begins like the end of a schmaltzy ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ type drama.

It seems bad boy Bass has seen the error of his ways and become philanthropy’s new darling, donating $5 BAZILLION dollars to poor orphans. Or something. Vomit.

 In Serena-land, things are complicated. Nate or Chuck, she moans, like it’s the Middle East peace process at stake. “Things were so easy in Paris,” she whines to Blair. “You mean you were so easy in Paris,” retorts the wise one.

 Never a truer word, although I’d argue Serena’s easiness is not territorially limited.

 Over at Chuck’s, Bass is party planning. “I hope you’re coming,” he tells Nate. “Party on the roof,” says Nate. “I wouldn’t miss it.” Well, duh.

 But for the first time in his life, Nate is finding a woman immune to his charms. Juliette (aka stalker blonde) is rather unavailable, full of excuses about neighbours with lost keys. In Manhattan? A city renowned for people not communicating with those who live next door.?

 Anyway, Chuck plants a seed that she’s seeing other men, and at the party, Nate discovers a text from ‘Ben’ (the Gossip Girl lot seem to have adopted Mark Zuckerberg’s understanding of personal privacy), which upsets him so much that he almost, almost, comes up with a facial expression other than his trademark ‘preppy-teen-idol’ look. As I said, almost. Luckily, Juliette convinces him Ben is her ‘troubled’ brother. So the stalker is still in the game. Round one to psychotic blondes everywhere.

 In Brooklyn life isn’t exactly cohabitational bliss for Humphrey and dumpty. They’re fighting over pancakes, laundry (not yet over waffles but it’s presumably only a matter of time. So after a bizarre Lily-Rufus-Vanessa intervention Dan escapes to Serena-land, where amidst constructing high level Googling for Blair, he confesses he’s not exactly over her. Um, Dan. Not to put a damper on things, but she’s technically your sister.

 Sadly, he and Serena don’t kiss and make up (despite him being wowed by her wearing a dress with significant lapses in material) and he heads home, sobs about Milo to Vanessa and then confesses his love.  And so, another lap of the Nate-Vanessa-Dan-Serena romantic-slash-incestuous love rectangle is run.   

But as ever, the big story of the night is Chuck and Blair. Blair is coming over all single white female for European stalker blonde. So she does some snooping and discovers Eva selling the expensive watch Chuck gave her. Eva claims the proceeds went to the fund of “help Chuck’s peculiarly posh English valet keep his house.” Now, writers, I know you imagine Britain to be right out of the Parent Trap playbook, but come on. If you speak with that kind of an accent, you don’t need handouts from French peasants.

Blair goes on a mission to befriend the girl and discovers she is immune even to the victimisation of homeless men licking her arm. Luckily, Serena and Dan find out another juicy titbit.

Chuck’s new friend apparently earns quite a lot of money from being quite friendly with other rich chaps in Prague.

Dan spills to Nate, who spills to Chuck. Honestly, this show should be named Gossip guys. But Chuck reminds Nate he’s still the same guy as always, with a private investigator on speed dial and a generous retainer – ergo, he already knew just how friendly Eva can be. Well, actually he didn’t, he was just bluffing, but he doesn’t care and even goes as far as setting up in a foundation in her name.

Presumably though, he’d rather the foundation didn’t help other European gold-diggers find gullible American trustafarians and scam them into falling in love. Because, thanks to Blair, Chuck learns that Eva did know who he was that night she rescued him in Prague.

Only being Blair, this is a blatant lie, and Chuck has to do the time-honoured catch her before the airport dance. It doesn’t work (though I doubt this is the last we’re seeing of Eva), but he heads over to Blair’s to rant about how ‘despicable’ she is (rich, from the guy who sold her for a hotel).

 He ends with a threat: “This means war.”

 Excellent. Can’t wait to watch the live-blogged footage.

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