Serena is late. For class. The fact that college is about academic study, and not based around the brimming social calender of a Manhattan party girl, has apparently escaped her notice.
“If only there were a device of some kind to keep the time,” riffs Blair.
Nate and Dan are friends again, in that “put all the issues behind them” way that women are incapable of. But Nate reveals that he and Juliette have only made it to the “scrabble and talking” stage of the relationship.
In prison, we learn more about Juliette’s plot to take Serena down (we now know shaved-head-dude has some kind of vendetta against her).
Presumably Juliette is the one behind the SvDW STD rumour. And the resulting Serena-lurgy check that Nate heads over to the student health clinic. Although even if Serena is lurgy-free, one imagines Chuck’s Little Black Book has less to recommend it.
Said trip ends with Dan papped in the clinic and Vanessa in a degree one freak out.
Nate, by now thinking entirely with something other than his brain, agrees to steal Blair’s phone (with the help of a panicky V, whose morals apparently don’t apply when it comes to her love life). The big email fakeout leads to an email to angry-lecturer (from Serena) offering sex for grades. Obviously, Juliette is behind it.
Although, thinking about it, it’s not entirely improbable to imagine Serena sending such a missive.
Juliette (who should really be in the CIA, she’s such a capable crazy) manages to frame Vanessa. The scandal, Blair notes, will only raise her social status. Anyway, Vanessa is off to stay with her parents (Hello? College? Classes?) And Dan and her appear to be over, at least for now.
Blair, meanwhile, is having course trouble. In the ridiculous world of fake-Columbia, Chuck, who you’ll recall declared war on her, has managed to block her from a key class on powerful women. He even becomes the assistant to her favourite lecturer.
HELLO. He doesn’t even go to Columbia. This takes implausible to the next level.
So Blair counters by playing Yentl. Only Chuck enlists one of her minions, beckoned over to the dark side, to take her down and the blind date has better taste in scarves than most intellectual property lawyers.
However in bragging about who can out Blair the other, the lecturer quits. “These students are psychotic” she complains. Uh, because the previous favours they did for you didn’t point to that.
Oh, and Serena is about to have a fling with weird taxi-dude from Mad Men.