Gossip Girl recap: Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

This week started with Serena being so self-absorbed she didn’t even notice Chuck in bed with Blair.

Ah, character consistency.

But, in an unusual act of perception, she does spot Blair with her skirt on backwards and a Chuck Bass shaped guilty conscience. And despite her own questionable exploits, reminds Blair that this is all going to end badly.

Blair announces she can end things whenever she wants. She plans a 24-hour “bassectomy”, which is unfortunate because Chuck has his heart (well one particular organ, anyway) on something a little more racy. Blair has a meltdown – “maybe I need sex rehab”- then pretends she’s dating the Prof to divert attention.

Blondie and Professor Perve are planning a romantic mini break. But as Blair notes, that’s a mistake. “There’s a reason you never get tan lines on vacation,” she yelps. Serena freaks out and calls the weekend off.

Luckily, she has someone to turn to. There’s something ever so wrong with Dan going to Rufus about his Serena woes.

To break it down he’s looking for advice from Serena’s stepfather about how his son can date his stepsister!

But Dan twigs that Serena is taking her guest lecture rather too seriously, and confronts her. After she ends it, she heads straight for Humphrey – Serena being the type who doesn’t exactly understand what a world without a boyfriend is. The down-trade lasts approximately five minutes, as Colin quits Columbia for lurvvvve. Vomit.

Not that his sacrifice is worth anything – by the end of the night S has moved on again. The question is, with Nate or with Dan? Worthy of Hamlet, that one.

Back in Brooklyn, Vanessa is intent on clearing her name. Which is made easier when Nate discovers Juliette is “a liar” who doesn’t live where she claims to. She feeds him a sob story about shopping at Woodberry Common and doing her own hair (yes, that’s exactly what poverty looks like) but he falls for it hook, line and dimples.

Luckily, V for Vendetta doesn’t, and happens in her Harriet the Spying on the Serena-Professor kodak moment (love that she does so via Four Square and delivery man bribery). Gleefully, she decides that the photos are proof of Serena’s academic sluttiness, but Juliette says no.

So, in an effort to show the world she’s not a thief, she goes right ahead and chups the memory stick.

At the ballet (where else) V confronts the dean, but it all goes balls up. In the end, Juliette is ex-communicated (one doubts for good) in a brilliant performance of Upper East side bullying. “You can believe she does her own hair,” scoffs Blair.

But it’s not over till they eyelinered rag doll sings, as Juliette and Jenny H team up to take down the Gossip gaggle, and presumably trade tips on budget shopping: “how to get the trashy drag queen look for under a tenner”.

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