Gossip Girl recap: The Townie

So, by far the high point of Gossip Girl so far this series was when Dan, in a bid to be allowed to visit Serena in the loony bin, explained to the disinterested nurse that he’s her brother “but mostly tries to forget this because we dated”. Says so, so much about the twisted plotlines of this delightful programme.

As Blair points out, they treat people for far less serious conditions than that.

The odd couple, Blair and Dan, are desperate to enact retribution on the evil Juliette. With other avenues turning up nothing, they decide to go to the source herself; Gossip Girl.

GG comes up trumps, with an address and an angry “find the bitch”. It appears Juliette has skipped town, for some kind of pseudo-1950s style suburbia.

Hi ho, hi ho (literally, when it comes to Juliette), it’s off to Connecticut we go.

Then the plot thickens, because after a Serena-the-skank flashback, we learn she was at boarding school in Juliette’s sleepy home town.

Sleepy might not be the word for it. Scooby Doo and Scrappy happen upon a debauched party at the aforementioned address. Juliette is nowhere to be seen, but drug-dealer-Damian (who had school-era history with Serena and helped in the ruination of Jenny) is.

Still up to his old tricks, he’s the one who sold Juliette drugs. He lead the gang to the heart of the plot, which is that prison-Ben was Serena’s teacher and got fired for sleeping with a student.

So far, so Serena. As the therapist delves into her past, we get a speeded-up version of how to be a teenage homewrecker: “partying, boys…”

But then, an epiphany. “I think he was the only guy to ever say no to me”, she ruminates, tossing her hair, pushing her boobs up and secretly vowing to never, ever let that happen again. The question is, did the rejection spur Serena to destroy Ben’s life, hence triggering Juliette-the-crazy to attempt to destroy hers?

Ben realises that his sister has entirely loss the plot (you’d think that would have come earlier, when he discovered she’d kidnapped and drugged her) but the evil prison guards won’t let him help. Luckily, in one of those ever so believable twists of fate, white knight Nate hears and can scamper off to save the day (he’s there because of his dad, but that storyline is simply too dull to discuss).

Because the writers have given up all pretence at logic and plot continuity, Serena returns to her Ostroff centre room to find Juliette there, with a murderous look on her over made-up face.

The blonde out to get blonde drama (without breaking a nail) is beginning to remind me of the horror specials from the Sweet Valley High books.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, someone blonde and rich did frame Ben. But it wasn’t Serena, it was Lily. Which Serena decides to tell everyone, at a fancy party. She let’s Juliette off the hook (as Blair says, is she still on drugs) and confronts Lily.

Upshot is; everyone hates Lily, Serena’s off to clear Ben’s name, Chuck is off to make a deal with the devil, and Nate and his dad are having a hotel-fuelled reunion.

Oh, and are Blair and Dan about to be friends? Aaaw.

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