Gossip Girl recap: Yes then zero

Meet Zen Chuck. He says yes to anything, goes on dates with mannish stuntwomen and drives a motorbike like he’s trying to prove something to a hell’s Angel.

The start of series five of Gossip Girl was all about new beginnings, re-invention and even a new (temporary) stomping ground.

Serena is in the city of Angels, fetching coffee for a dickish trustafarian-hating guy on set of the film version of The Beautiful and The Damned.

But because in her charmed existence she can apparently turn her talent (well, both of them) to anything, she’s apparently a vital presence.

So vital, it appears, that she manages to survive hazing by the dickish guy (involving an implausible pot plot that if she was really indispensable to the producers she’d have seen right through) and lands herself a job. Manhattan, and that little matter of college, be damned.

Also in LA are summer mansluts Chuck and Nate. Chuck is pretending he’s over Blair with his tried and tested formula of threesomes and living dangerously (plus a fair bit of booze), but the purple wound on his chest he ends up with suggests it aint much of a sustainable lifestyle.

Meanwhile, Nate is thinking, something he reveals he needs to be high to do. His “I can be whoever I want to be” routine lands him in bed with Elizabeth Hurley, who shall henceforth be known as Brit in heels.

It’s not clear what her grand plans for dimples are, but judging by that mysterious phone call this is going to go about as well as Nate’s dalliance with stalker blonde last season.

Back in the real world (New York, obvs) Blair is living out her own Disney film. Her wedding plans are being thwarted by a wicked not-stepmother, and the Prince is acting all momma’s boy about it. Off she runs to Dan to call the whole thing off (and become Miss Haversham, apparently, but in the Hamptons), but then Louis grows and pair and suddenly it’s happily ever (for this episode) after.

Dan, who has been holidaying at CeeCee’s summer pad, is a little bit screwed. Vanessa’s cunning plan to secure his place as a great social chronicler (by stealing his tell-all memoir of life as a posh boy wannabe) has led to a Vanity Fair spot (pulled, with Royal aid) and a book deal.

He’s acting all petulant about it, which is ludicrous, as Dan would quite clearly sell out all his friends, family, and everyone he’d ever met, for a rave New York Times book review. Sure he’d mope and angst about it, but there’s no way an ambitious egotist like him would turn this opportunity down. Except, awww, cos he lurves a certain engaged society girl.

Vom. Are we still on this? I thought a summer hiatus would’ve cured the Blair-Dan trainwreck.

Next week, one assumes we will learn what the baby-deal is with Blair (whose is it, and where is it hiding in her size zero figure?) and hopefully find out that the producer was playing a practical joke and actually there’s no way she’d hired a dumb blonde like Serena even to get the coffee.

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