Gossip Girl recap: All the Pretty Sources

Was this week the start of the undoing of Gossip Girl? Probably not, but a couple of people took a good stab at it – La Hurley, Nate, Nate’s grandfather and of course, Louis the dark prince.

Back from his European exile, Prince Dullard takes a stab at buying Blair’s loyalty with sparkly and shiny things. When that doesn’t cut it, he decides to go on the offensive, and turn his princess-in-training against her friends.

As a short-term strategy it works, because Serena is planning Blair’s bridal bash and trying to conceal the glitziness of the proceedings with a series of lies about decor, menu and denim.

The shower is, this being Gossip Girl, a typical champagne and evening-wear affair, complete with a Tiffany’s lucky dip (never had that at my school fete). So, obvi, all is forgiven between “besties but actually frenemies” S and B. The whole plot though, of Blair being prima-donnaish about the event, was a bit weak.

The old Blair would have just found a way to seize control and organise new caterers etc, not merely whine about betrayal. Serena wouldn’t have known what hit her, while the minions would have become double agents.

Plus, what the hell was the dress she chose? And more to the point, what happened to the good old-fashioned hen do with women only, a semi-clothed bartender and phallic shaped party gifts? Surely Blair’s last hurrah should have involved something a little more scandalous than bubbly and ballgowns?

Into all the craziness comes Ivy’s ex, who, despite clearly being a couple of pennies of a pound, speedily realises that her “I wanted to see if you liked me or my money” excuse is total con. But if you can’t beat em con them; by episode’s end she is free of Diana’s blackmail but caught in ex-boyf’s web. Ex boyf, incidentally, is about to become Serena’s latest man plan.

Meanwhile, the bromance between Chuck and Dan continues, as the two of them mope about being rejected by Blair and sans invite to the shindig. Chuck’s solution is booze and call girls, but even getting stoned doesn’t do the trick and Dan manages to crash the party – that is, after disparaging a handful of stuck up guests in the lift.

Unsurprisingly, the lesson of this episode was that Dan is annoying and whiny when he is stoned, while Chuck is wise and disparaging. So,true to life then.

Over at the New York scheme-tator, Diana ends up out of a job, sacrificing her “career” – ha, please – because of her undying love (sorry, lust) for Nate. Seems this has been Grampy’s plan all along; to appoint a shrewd and capable teenager to run a media empire. Unfortunately, he temporarily forgot who his grandson was.

At one point Nate (re: the Gossip Girl upload) tells Diana he “hadn’t even thought” of posting the whole thing online. “I’m sure you hadn’t,” responds Diana, clearly not so blinded by love that she isn’t aware Nate is, well, Nate.

Diana is out of the building, but not out of the show. Her secret, which we can assume implicates grandpa and Bart Bass somewhere along the line, is destined to come out (at Blair’s wedding, probably).

And then there’s Blair and Louis. She calls time out on the relationship after she discovers Louis did the dirty with Gossip Girl’s correspondence (it’s not that her devious nature is out there for all to see that upsets her, it’s that he had the nerve to do something totally Blair-like that does), but having seen preview clips of the wedding, it doesn’t look like goodbye. I think we can assume that he’s not going to make it to the end of the series though.

He’s been taken by the forces of Gossip Girl darkness; in Gossip Girl terms, that’s like being got by the Lost smoke monster, You don’t escape its clutches too easily.

Gossip Girl recap: Beauty and the Feast

So this week on Gossip Girl, we met Pippa. Well, not la Middleton exactly, but her Eurotrash cousin.

The Prince’s sister is in town for a spot of passive aggressive bonding with the future queen. Trouble is, Blair is suffering the effects of being with child, and is basically one big vominator.

Bulimia, Blair’s childhood eating disorder of choice, would have been the obvious explanation, but in trying to convince psycho princess that she’s not that, she lets the cat out of the bag about MiniBlair (and ignores the fact that the Princess is actually an ambitious throne-pretender with a thing for men of the cloth).

Of course, MiniBlair could be either European or American, depending on whether Chuck or the Prince is the father.

As Dan wisely notes, “even Blair Waldorf cannot bend DNA to her will.” Looks like this won’t be the perfect white wedding.

While Blair is battling the after-effects of a night of passion at a barmitzvah – still so, so wrong – Chuck is battling the lack thereof. He can’t feel anything, good or bad – even Dan’s questionable tickle offer was dismissed – and so he’s going around playing Hire-A-Thug to try and change that.

By episode end he seems to have regained his purpose, largely because Dan wants help hacking into Vanessa’s bank account (surely the password is something along the lines of “I’m so totally awesome and supercilious” before bookgate hits the fan. Something tells me his efforts will be in vain. Yay.

On the other side of the country (but not for long) Serena and fake cousin Ivy are rekindling their family ties. Basically, turns out the psycho thing wasn’t just a role she was playing. “Ivy” really is more than happy to steal someone’s identity and take the trust fund access Serena is handing her on a plate.

Speaking of which, a whole room for her shoes? Can’t they just go in the cupboard? It’s not like’s Serena’s clothes use all that much material.

And lest we forget, there’s Nate, continuing to pursue ridiculous and implausible relationships with women who could be his mother just because, well, frankly, he’s cute and he can.

I’m not sure which is more ridiculous, that Lloyd Blankfein wants to offer him an internship or that we’re supposed to take Liz Hurley seriously as a media magnate.

I mean, come on. Murdoch would never let Mrs Archibald fact-check a “lives of the rich and famous” expose. Amateur.

Gossip Girl recap: Yes then zero

Meet Zen Chuck. He says yes to anything, goes on dates with mannish stuntwomen and drives a motorbike like he’s trying to prove something to a hell’s Angel.

The start of series five of Gossip Girl was all about new beginnings, re-invention and even a new (temporary) stomping ground.

Serena is in the city of Angels, fetching coffee for a dickish trustafarian-hating guy on set of the film version of The Beautiful and The Damned.

But because in her charmed existence she can apparently turn her talent (well, both of them) to anything, she’s apparently a vital presence.

So vital, it appears, that she manages to survive hazing by the dickish guy (involving an implausible pot plot that if she was really indispensable to the producers she’d have seen right through) and lands herself a job. Manhattan, and that little matter of college, be damned.

Also in LA are summer mansluts Chuck and Nate. Chuck is pretending he’s over Blair with his tried and tested formula of threesomes and living dangerously (plus a fair bit of booze), but the purple wound on his chest he ends up with suggests it aint much of a sustainable lifestyle.

Meanwhile, Nate is thinking, something he reveals he needs to be high to do. His “I can be whoever I want to be” routine lands him in bed with Elizabeth Hurley, who shall henceforth be known as Brit in heels.

It’s not clear what her grand plans for dimples are, but judging by that mysterious phone call this is going to go about as well as Nate’s dalliance with stalker blonde last season.

Back in the real world (New York, obvs) Blair is living out her own Disney film. Her wedding plans are being thwarted by a wicked not-stepmother, and the Prince is acting all momma’s boy about it. Off she runs to Dan to call the whole thing off (and become Miss Haversham, apparently, but in the Hamptons), but then Louis grows and pair and suddenly it’s happily ever (for this episode) after.

Dan, who has been holidaying at CeeCee’s summer pad, is a little bit screwed. Vanessa’s cunning plan to secure his place as a great social chronicler (by stealing his tell-all memoir of life as a posh boy wannabe) has led to a Vanity Fair spot (pulled, with Royal aid) and a book deal.

He’s acting all petulant about it, which is ludicrous, as Dan would quite clearly sell out all his friends, family, and everyone he’d ever met, for a rave New York Times book review. Sure he’d mope and angst about it, but there’s no way an ambitious egotist like him would turn this opportunity down. Except, awww, cos he lurves a certain engaged society girl.

Vom. Are we still on this? I thought a summer hiatus would’ve cured the Blair-Dan trainwreck.

Next week, one assumes we will learn what the baby-deal is with Blair (whose is it, and where is it hiding in her size zero figure?) and hopefully find out that the producer was playing a practical joke and actually there’s no way she’d hired a dumb blonde like Serena even to get the coffee.

Gossip Girl: Season 5 first look

Gossip Girl is back at the end of the month. Judging from this preview, Serena’s playing hooky in Los Angeles (avec Leo?), Blair and Chuck are still not over each other and Nate is having it off with Felicity Shagwell. Take a look, if you don’t believe me.