Happily, I’m no expert on Parisian morgue body identification. But I am fairly sure it doesn’t normally involved an outfit of sparkly jacket, electric blue clown trousers and an up-do that could double up as St Paul’s Cathedral. But as I said, not an expert.
Why the morgue? Despite Blair’s prediction, it’s not a skanky dive. Rather Serena (with Blair still living it up in fantasy-France) gets a call from Lily regarding the police.
Naturally with her criminal history she assumes it is about her (with that hair the mug shot will be interesting) but turns out it’s about fake Chuck – now to be referred to as Chake.
Because the alternative would have been problematic . Think.
Across the Atlantic Nate and stalker-blonde are getting close, now that he has “little black booked [Serena] away”. In fact, she even volunteers to be his life coach. With his inability to use the brain the writers once-upon-a-time pretended he had, and her SVdW obsession, what could possibly go wrong?
Really though, he should realise something’s up when SB volunteers to change baby Humphrey’s nappy. On what amounts to a first date? Hello, totally against The Rules.
In fact, she and Nate get embroiled in a convoluted plot to “take Dan out of the equation” vis-a-vis Serena. Ergo, drama and a mildly amusing tiff with both the boys wearing different variations on the same checked shirt. Outcome: Danessa are on, Nate and stalker-blonde are go.
So Serena goes from two boys to no boys in the space of one episode. The situation undoubtedly confuses her, given that she distinguishes Nate and Dan as “shoulders” and “nice shoulders”.
The real drama, as ever, is with Blair, who amidst frolics with her prince, has a meet-not-so-cute with Chake. Instead of throwing a “Hey. Would’ya look at that. You’re not dead” shindig for him, she comes to the obvious conclusion that she is being stalked. So Serena plays good stepsister and goes to find him herself.
Because if you were AWOL, an idiot blonde with absolutely nothing between her ears is who you’d want on the trail.
But Chake, with his own stalker-blonde (is this a new Gossip boy accessory? Like the omnipresent waffle of season three), isn’t playing ball. In fact, he’s playing someone else entirely; with grand plans to do a Mossad-in-Dubai and play pass the passport.
So Serena teams up with a comedy cop and plays Cluedo in Harry Winston. But rather than deal with the drama, Blair busies herself trying on tiaras.
It can only be a matter of time before Messrs William and Harry get Blaired.
When she finally comes to her senses, it involves (what else) a race to the station in a flowing red ballgown. Only it’s a different, softer Chuck Bass – apparently being shot made him Eat, Pray and Re-evaluate – and the reunion is a bit crap. Conclusion, Chair is off.
Oh, and obviously Vanessa is a baby whisperer. Vom.